Exploding apparel and the reasons thereof

In the winter, cycling tends to get reduced to tedious commuting between A and B, with equipment and clothing deteriorating in the cruel conditions. Therefore, I say, it's time to stop, sniff the flowers hastily and then rush off to do some online shopping for some new gear. And, after FedEx has delivered the goods to your door, it is time to stop and smell the newness. I love the smell of new stuff. I also love the smell of expensive stuff. Unfortunately, my cycling budget is still limited. Yes, in the recent years I've gone from 'shoestring' to 'upper lower middle class', but that still leaves me seriously under-equipped and -clothed in the road cycling world.

For instance, I've been looking to get some new cycling sunglasses, because the old, brandless ones from Biltema (or equivalent) are getting rather ragged around the edges:


Naturally, my inner Fred requires me to get Oakleys. The Jawbone looks very cool and incredibly Fred-tastic, but, man, at 300 € (or whatever they cost), it just doesn't seem sensible. 300 € is, mildly put, a shitload of money for a friggin' pair of sunglasses, that inevitably will get sat upon, or be torn apart by the kids, anyway. So, therefore I ordered a pair of Endura Stingray glasses from CRC for a reasonable 39.70 €. I do find it somewhat dubious to purchase sunglasses in an online store, without trying them on first, but what are you gonna do. I suspect that there isn't a local store that has all the hundreds brands and models the online stores have in stock, and even if there is, I'm just too friggin' lazy to go there.

The same goes for cycling apparel. If the local stores don't bother to invest in decent web pages that contain an exact listing of all the pieces of clothing they have in stock, in real time, I'm not going to bother myself by going to the store to find out. Even though in principle, it would be nice to try, say, shorts on before buying. Instead, I'll just spend a considerable portion of the working day surfing the sites of online retailers, comparing brands, ranges, prices, sizing charts, colours and materials. Then, I'll type in some numbers found on a piece of plastic found in my wallet, press 'Order' and not too long after, the courier rings my doorbell and hands me the merchandise.

This is exactly what I did last week, when I noticed that the seat of my commuting pants (Halti) had exploded. I suspect that this is due to chafing by the saddle, but I'm not ruling out an acute bout of flatulence of epic proportions:


I've only used the pants for two winters now, so I'm not very pleased with the durability of the fabric. On the other hand, it's a blessing that things fall apart every now and then. If they didn't, there would not be (nearly as good) excuses to buy new stuff. That would be a miserable situation for the bicycling gear fetishist.

So, I decided to upgrade my ranking on the Fred scale from 'wears flappy winter commuting pants' to 'wears winter roubaix bib tights', which is, I believe, several notches up. I ordered Nalini Base Birmania 1 Winterlycra 3Layer mantoTEX Mititech UV Protected DuPont Teflon bib tights from Bobshop.de and did I mention the Teflon already. I believe the Teflon coating is there to repel ridicule by ignorant onlookers, who might not be on to the fact that it is actually more manly to wear tights instead of pants of the flappy kind while bicycling. Anyway, the courier handed me the merchandise only three days after I pressed 'Order' on the web page, which I found impressive. The smell of newness emanating from the '25 Nalini' chamois is intoxicating. Well, the smell emanating from my old pants is intoxicating as well, but in a far less pleasant manner.

There's a slight drawback in having better gear though. Now the other "cat 6" commuter racers can tell from afar that I am, or at least attempt to be, fast. When I rode in flappy, smelly, ragged, rustling pants I was a sleeper. Now, the element of surprise is somewhat diminished.

In other news, here's a picture of a delicious meal I just ate:


I just snapped it, on an impulse, while taking the other photographic evidence for this blog post, but perhaps it isn't totally unrelated to the subject matter at hand. There might be a rational explanation for the violent flatulence evident in the picture.

Different views on cycle paths

People look at things in different ways. Take, for instance, this ordinary cycle path*:


Here's how the average commuter would see this cycle path:


But a roadie sees it in a different way:


Here's how a plow driver working for the P"N"WD sees the same path:


And here's how the guy responsible for it's maintenance, working for the P"N"WD as well, sees it (or, actually, doesn't):


Then there's the truck driver's view:


The SUV owner's view:


The dog owner's view:


The delivery truck driver's view:


And don't forget the teenager's view:


Finally, here's how the esteemed vice chairperson of the Helsinki city council, Harry Bogomoloff sees the cycle path (and it's surroundings):


* (You'll never guess where I ripped off the original picture from. But in my defense, they'd already ripped it off from us, the people, by photographing our beloved city without permission. And we, in turn, ripped the city off from mother nature. We are fools! You can't own the land! The land owns you!)

Freehub

As I recently mentioned, the freewheel of my trusty commuting vehicle had lately been getting stuck, due to the outrageous coldness of the weather, thus making the freewheeling functionality of the drivetrain bidirectional. Which, in the long term, is an unwanted quality in a bicycle. As amusing as it may from the perspective of the onlookers, it really tends to drastically reduce the transportational capabilities of the bicycle.

Therefore, drastic actions were required. After one day of heating the rear hub with a hot air gun and then commuting to and from work fixie-style, i.e. pedaling all the way through, even while braking, I had to get my hands dirty.

After consulting the best bicycling information source known to (a Finnish) man, and then this one too, I set out to dismantle my bike. This is what resulted:


The consultation of the instructions also resulted to the expansion my knowledge about modern bicycle components. Therefore I now know that the part doing the freewheeling in my bicycle is actually called a Shimano® freehub.

Both of the guides I consulted had omitted the part about the rear hub ball bearings falling out, and that they should be chased from underneath the stove (I did the servicing in my kitchen), because they need to be put back again, but luckily I was able to figure out this myself.

Here's a blurry shot of the offending, rusted by road salt and whatnot, freehub:


After a lot of messing about in the kitchen with solvents, oils, brushes, this is what the parts looked like:


And not too soon after, the bicycle was re-built again. Yeah, the cassette is worn out and rusty, and needs to be replaced come spring.

Also, the kitchen was ruined and the wife had totally freaked out. But I was totally exhilarated of my newfound D-I-Y capabilities (also possibly because of sniffing so much solvent).

Before, I had a backup employment plan for after the inevitable nuclear war and the ensuing obsolescence of computer programmers because of all the EMP: carpentry. But now I think I'll go for bicycle repairing.

Winter complaints pt. IV

Paris-Roubaix is a race for wussies. I mean, there are a couple short stretches of cobbled road on the route, but what's the big deal? That's nothing compared to the hardships that we, bicycle commuters in Helsinki city, have to suffer all winter, each winter:

• unplowed routes
• uneven routes
• frozen routes
• slush-covered routes
• routes covered in a mixture of road salt and shit
• routes that have completely vanished under several metres of snow
• routes blocked by incorrectly parked vehicles
• extreme coldness
• sleet raining horizontally
• harassment by bus drivers
• murder attempts by car drivers
• ridicule by onlookers
• terrorism by dog walkers
• contempt by authorities
• etc.

No sign yet of the Pugsley I'm legally entitled to. Therefore, I'm still legally entitled to criticize the Public "Not" Works Department, the instance responsible for not plowing the bicycle routes. Well, luckily, my cubicle at the workplace was moved away from the window with a nice view and into a dark cleaning closet with no windows. That way, I don't have to watch the P"N"WD licking the road clean all day while the cycle path next to it is left to slowly deteriorate. As a result, I've been much happier lately, brooding in the broom closet. Also, I've vented my frustration by sending the P"N"WD numerous petty complaints about parking violations and lack of maintenance on my commuting route. We'll see if they're as proficient at not ticketing parking violators as they're at not plowing.

Lately, the freewheel of my trusty Kona has began to malfunction. Occasionally, it seems to stick somehow, and when I pedal, the force isn't conveyed to the rear wheel. The cranks just spin freely forward. It tends to feel slightly silly, pedaling furiously without moving, at least when it happens in the middle of a busy intersection, with a truck coming on at a great speed. I suspect that the mixture of road salt and shit is to blame. When the temperature is near 0 ° C, salted roads become wet, and the drivetrain gets totally soaked. Typically, the next morning, the temperature is well below zero, and the derailleurs and drivetrain are frozen solid. Also the salt seems to rust the chain efficiently. I hate road salt.

There's a sort of a grass roots type movement that is trying to accomplish the establishment of a "backbone" of cycling routes in Helsinki. Sadly, the proposed main routes go nowhere near my commuting routes. So, if they manage to get the backbone established, service levels for said routes agreed and the maintenance actually improved, it will not benefit yours truly (and other, less (or more) esteemed residents northern Helsinki) in any way. It will probably take about 100 years for my commuting route to be granted the status of a "main route" and the maintenance to stop sucking. I'm depressed.

I've even done everything humanly possible to advance this noble cause, namely, commented on a blog post related to the matter. Now, hopefully, up to 5 puny hipsters may read my suggestions and as a result, "do the needful". What else can I do (except whine at great length on this personal blog that no-one reads)? I'm just one... man.

Voice usage

Often, an urban bicyclist needs to use his/her voice in order to communicate with other human beings in traffic. Sometimes it is even necessary to communicate loudly with animals and inanimate objects. Mostly, communication while moving relatively fast in traffic is limited to short phrases. In English speaking countries you might use such phrases as

• "look out"
• "coming through"
• "sorry, didn't see ya"
  
• "thanks"
• "yaaaaaaaaarrrrrggghh!"
  
• "excuse me, mate, which way to Piccadilly Circus?"
  
• "yo homie, stop hatin' on me, and whatever, biatch".
  

In Finland, you manage fine with just one phrase

• "...ttu!".

Occasionally, it is even possible to get engaged in a longer discussion while moving in traffic.

I've often found oral communication while bicycling rather difficult, because my voice usually tends not to function very well, due to exertion, wind and coldness. Situations in which voice usage is necessary tend to happen suddenly and unexpectedly, and often when I strive to let out a powerful yell, the sound emanating from my mouth is a stifled croak instead.

So, imagine my surprise this morning, when faced with a truck driver unloading their vehicle while blocking the route completely. As I prepared to communicate orally, expecting my voice to sound something like an out-of-breath baby ox with a mouth full of fudge (saying "...ttu!"), I was amazed to hear this loud, clear, booming, powerful, yet beautiful voice instead.

The driver was perplexed by this sudden, well-articulated attempt at communication, and remained wordless, but the other guy standing by the truck waved at me politely, indicating an alternative route around the truck. I, perplexed by my sudden ability to articulate clearly, just pushed my bike around the truck and moved on, muttering "...ttu!" to myself.

Shortly afterwards it struck me: I was wearing a Wool Buff™ I recently purchased around my neck for the first time. The garment was keeping my vocal cords warm and functional. Delighted by the unexpected functionality provided by the Buff, I rode on, singing "Con Te Partiro" loudly, like a cheap Andrea Bocelli imitator on wheels, my vibrato resonating from the surrounding buildings.

Mexican cyclists take matters into their own hands

I've always wanted to do this myself, but then again, who hasn't?



Fast forward to 0:53 for action.

Letter to the city of Helsinki

Dear Sirs/Madams,
I thought we had an agreement. You keep the roads plowed so I can go to work. I go to work and pay you taxes with the salary earned from the work. Since you've failed to fulfill your end of this contractual obligation, I demand satisfaction.

At the moment the public infrastructure is in such a bad shape, that it is not feasible to commute to work by using a normal bicycle, such as a hybrid meant for urban conditions. Furthermore, despite the rationality of bicycling in such conditions may be questioned, I have continued to do so nevertheless, and as a consequence have gotten bitten by the mountain biking bug, and to a lesser extent, the cyclocross bug. Both of the resulting diseases will undoubtedly require considerable investments (in terms of my money and time) in the future.

However, I'm willing to work towards a compromise, so either of us will not be forced to taking legal action. I propose that

• you, the city of Helsinki, purchase me one (1) Surly Pugsley bicycle, which I'll be able to ride to work even on badly maintained cycle lanes. Therefore you can continue to neglect the maintenance of the public infrastructure.

In return I, Budget Cyclist, will

• stop demanding that you plow cycle lanes better and cease to mock your Public Works Department publicly (until next winter)
• not take legal action regarding your aforementioned breach of contract.
  

I believe that 18'' is the correct size of Pugsley for me. Please have it delivered to my door within a week from today.

Sincerely yours,
Budget Cyclist, Esq.