Friday, April 27, 2012

The Story of Charles Smith-Polvinen

One of the most notorious evil geniuses in recent Finnish criminal history was Charles "El Diablo" Smith-Polvinen. His reign of terror ended as late as the early 1970's, when he mysteriously vanished. 

Although he was only ever convicted in a court of law for lesser crimes, his unofficial, rumoured list of crimes is long and fearsome, including robbery, human trafficking, illegal arms trade, cannibalism, arson, forgery, extortion on a grand scale and evil urban design. It has also been rumoured that he was involved in piracy in the Caribbean in the late 18th century before settling down in Finland.

Charles Smith-Polvinen, 1940
Not much is known about the early life of Charles Smith-Polvinen. Recorded interviews of convicted criminals of the time suggest that a powerful criminal mastermind, sometimes referred to as "El Diablo", sometimes "The Captain", quickly established a strong foothold in the underworld of Helsinki in the 1930's, and dominated it for decades. 

After ruling the criminal underworld of Helsinki for decades, Smith-Polvinen's infinite ambition, as it seems, turned his interest towards the urban planning scene of the area in the 1960's. He and his minions infiltrated various offices and political operators, such as the National Coalition Party and the city council. The purpose of this operation remains unconfirmed even to this day, but some researchers suggest that Smith-Polvinen's evil master plan aimed to no less than world domination, beginning from Helsinki.

By the late 1960's, Smith-Polvinen's league had gained enough power to launch the first part of the intended takeover. In 1968, by utilizing the various positions of power in his command, and executing several diabolical manoeuvres, Smith-Polvinen published his evil scheme to change the landscape of Helsinki forever.     

His master plan is most widely known for the many motorways built over the very centre of Helsinki, which would have destroyed several esteemed residential areas in the heart of the city, but there was more to come. The lesser known second part of the Smith-Polvinen's traffic plan reveals that next, he would have terrorized the people even more diabolically (hence the nickname "El Diablo"). Historical documents reveal that he intended to 
  • ban bicycling altogether 
  • ban walking for more than two blocks
  • destroy public transport by means of taxation
  • cut down all trees in the metropolitan area
  • ban all sports except ice hockey
  • ban all political parties except the National Coalition Party
  • piss down, while laughing diabolically, from the lectern of the Parliament of Finland.  

It remains unclear why Smith-Polvinen's plan failed, even though it was strongly advocated by the right-wing politicians of the time. Some historians say that it was because it was slightly too outright diabolical, even for the right-wingers. An unnamed historian was quoted saying "What? I don't know. What the hell are you talking about?". The most likely reason established so far was that Yrjö Hakanen, member of the city council from 1870 to present, kept objecting to the plan and demanding further investigation until the everyone else got totally fed up.   

After Smith-Polvinen's diabolical master plan failed to materialize, Smith-Polvinen vanished from public view. At the time it the official explanation was that he retired, while the tabloids claimed that an informant, called Axel Galen-Galen-Galen-Cuckoo-Meow-Munch, had said that Smith-Polvinen was Nosferatu himself, and was merely buried for a century or so, to return in a better time. Then again, some not-entirely-respectable sources have hinted that Smith-Polvinen simply shaved off his sideburns, changed his name to Harry Bogomoloff and continued to pursue his evil dream.

Certain researchers, often denounced as mere conspiracy theorists, say that the evil legacy of Charles Smith-Polvinen lives on even today. The ideals of Smith-Polvinen are said to be pursued by occultists, urban planners, IT architects, bankers, politicians belonging to the National Coalition Party and other practitioners of evil professions. There are theories that suggest that Smith-Polvinen is undead and will awaken from his sleep to become the ruler of the National Coalition Party when it's popularity exceeds 25% in a parliamentary election.